Chippy

Angel

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 02:55:00 -0700

Her heads is on her knees
in holy submission
her back blending with
the concrete skyline
a child’s drawings
create a silent refuge
the chalk is shattered
like monochrome confetti
My disciple
has been had by the needles
And perverts
But her body is a prayer
She is God’s charity,
I extend from her shoulders
Two white fluoride wings
Broader than a feathered heart
She is a white magnolia
Brooding and unfurling
In flight
She is oblivious but sacred
I hope that when
The Devil
Or the Love
come for her
she is a spitter.

End of the Year

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 13:54:51 -0700

Things are wrapping up for the year. My bank account is just about empty so I will be sating my inner alcoholic with schoolwork and BSG. My 5 grand I put in a GIC comes out on the 9th, though, so I will survive.
I have a lot due in the next two weeks, Phil 230 and 240 papers, my minimum 20-page creative writing program application, and my final Creative Writing 202 assignment.
I went to Emily Carr a few weeks back for a party and badly wished I’d gone there for some visual arts courses instead of UBC. This lead me to major questioning of why I was at UBC, etc. and I came to the conclusion I should leave school next year. Quite a few guys from Sigma Chi approached me to discuss it, though, and brought me to my senses.
I’m living the the house this summer for 285 a month which is quite decent, going to be working with Colin at UBC housing. It is going to be a gongshow. I am sharing a room with Colin as well, the house is full of great people. I didn’t take on an exec position in Sigma Chi this year, although I probably should have. I’m not sure how involved I will be next year and at the time, I was considering moving off-campus and working until I sorted out what I wanted to do. Anyways, I’ve resolved to make an awesome CRWR Application and to try to get in for next year.

I met a sick girl at Kevin and Vance’s shindig a few weeks ago and we’re going to hit up some poetry slams. I caught up with Anna as well that night, which was awesome.

This is going to be a wonderful summer.

hubbabubba nightmare

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 22:48:00 -0800

I have an infection in both of my eyes. My right one hurts to looks around and is really gross. I suppose this teaches me for rubbing my eyes incessantly. It hurts quite a bit and I can’t really see.
It has been nice being home. My family are great to be around, I’ve finally regained the perspective I lost having lived with them for so long. Before I left, it got to the point where I was so depressed and anxious I was treating them horribly but didn’t care. I am glad I have sorted those problems out, my family is more important than anything else to me.
The night I got here, I went on a hunt with my sister and her friends for abandoned/haunted houses; it was really neat and also creepy. We ended up stargazing on top of a 3-story stack of marshmallow bales. I liked that.
The next night I ended up at a ridiculous starcraft tournament at Kevin’s. Everyone was both stupid drunk and hitting the vaporizer, which I’m sure improved our skills. Speaking of computer games, Colin’s trying to get me back into WoW, but I’m holding my ground for the moment.
Since being home, I have avoided the ex who wanted to get back together with me, that situation got very strange very quickly. On a different note, I’m friends with Kim again, which makes me glad. We had coffee and went for a walk and talked for a few hours, I really enjoyed it. When I first saw her in the coffee shop, I was scared but didn’t show it. I had bad dreams for a year and a half because I left things the way I did when I left for UBC, just like I did with my family. I think that guilt will be with me for a long time. I was a walking catastrophe when it comes to dealing with emotions. I can express nice ones, but I hide and fester negative emotions whenever I sense expressing them will cause problems. I’m working on it. I’m much better at asserting myself than I was a few months ago. Spending time with friends has taught me a lot in that regard.
Cam just came over and we discussed plans for a Europe trip at the end of the summer. I have always wanted to have a picnic next to the Seine at night, Paris is all gorgeous lights. When I was there last time and saw the glow on the water it all felt strangely familiar. I’d like to live there eventually. I also fell in love with the Metro on my previous trip. We’re also talking about going to Bruges and London and we are stoked on Italy… ideas are all over the place but there is a lot of keen intent. Cam plans to go regardless of travel companions.
A few days before break, I found an expensive suitcase locked to a tree in the woods above Wreck. Naturally, I was curious and went with a bunch of friends and a pair of bolt-cutters late at night. We were also quite high. It was gone, unfortunately. They figured it was a student hiding drugs and wanted to take them, I just enjoyed the mystery. If it actually was drugs it could have been a bad situation, so I’m rather glad it was gone.
This weekend, I was supposed to go to Victoria with my sister and her boyfriend Mitch, but my dad gave me file work to do and I have a 1800 word essay that I haven’t started and am rather concerned about. I feel bad though, I think my brother believes I don’t want to see him. I miss him.
I am thinking of writing children’s books in the future. That was Kim’s suggestion. I never wanted to grow up in the first place.
Also, I may be going on a week-long character and leadership-building trip. It is in Snowbird Utah and called Horizons. I really hope it works out, a lot of other people applied… Once I master my confidence problems I’ve had since high school, I think my lack of motivation and direction will finally be at an end.
OH MY GOD MY EYE IS AHSDAKHFALKSHF:LKAHS:LKFN:LKANSF

The Loss of my Glorious Short-term Memory.

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 15:47:00 -0800

Buchanan —> SUB—> Oriental Gardens—> Spanish Banks? —> Marine Drive —> Bottom of Wreck—> Vanier—> Bottom of Wreck—> Wilderness coast trek to the pirate ship—> Anthropology Museum—> Marine Drive —> Laser Beams communicating with another planet —>Botanical Gardens—>Exploring new housing development at the far end of wesbrook mall and meditating on pond stones—> Sigma Chi—> Bike to McDonald’s and paranoid foodless escape—> Top of strange parking garage—> Downhill adventure —>Sigma Chi—> Marine Drive—> Howl—> Sleep and/or Death.

In short, pot cookies from mysterious 40-year old beach women lead to interesting nights.

Self-lovin'

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 18:05:00 -0800

It occurred to me today how much of my unhappiness is self-inflicted, illusory, and self-constructed. Since I was little, I’ve lived with a mentality of both other-dependency and general problem evasion. I have been skewing my perceptions of others and especially of my own behaviour for a long, long time. It is sad to think that my worst enemy has been myself. However, if there’s one relationship that can be salvaged, I suppose this is it. Suddenly, I didn’t feel miserable at all.

Back from the dead

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 17:21:30 -0800

I’m in Sigma Chi as of last Saturday, having finished a full week of implied silence, personal reflection, and character-building activities. It was probably the best thing I’ve done ever.
It was absurdly difficult in a way you can’t imagine. But as a product of the week, I’ve reached a new level of inner contentment, motivation, and confidence.
I’m also applying for the creative writing program, and totally eager to improve my skillz. I’ve wanted to write since I was in elementary school.
Life is good =)

Charles Bukowski- The Ice-Cream People

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 16:55:17 -0700

the lady has me temporarily off the bottle
and now the pecker stands up
better.
however, things change overnight—
instead of listening to Shostakovich and
Mozart through a smeared haze of smoke
the nights change, new
complexities:
we drive to Baskin-Robbins,
31 flavors:
Rocky Road, Bubble Gum, Apricot Ice, Strawberry
Cheesecake, Chocolate Mint…

we park outside and look at icecream
people
a very healthy and satisfied people,
nary a potential suicide in sight
(they probably even vote)
and I tell her
“what if the boys saw me go in there? suppose they
find out I’m going in for a walnut peach sundae?”
“come on, chicken,” she laughs and we go in
and stand with the icecream people.
none of them are cursing or threatening
the clerks.
there seem to be no hangovers or
grievances.
I am alarmed at the placid and calm wave
that flows about. I feel like a leper in a
beauty contest. we finally get our sundaes and
sit in the car and eat them.

I must admit they are quite good. a curious new
world. (all my friends tell me I am looking
better. “you’re looking good, man, we thought you
were going to die there for a while…”)
—those 4,500 dark nights, the jails, the
hospitals…

and later that night
there is use for the pecker, use for
love, and it is glorious,
long and true,
and afterwards we speak of easy things;
our heads by the open window with the moonlight
looking through, we sleep in each other’s
arms.

the icecream people make me feel good,
inside and out.

Fact: bears eat beets.

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 15:13:00 -0700

My last entry was major depresso, so I thought I’d change it up with a fairly optimistic entry. I get to see my girlfriend today! Also, I’m getting my living situation for school worked out, hopefully living in a house with 5 of my best friends which would be killer. Also, it’s sunny. Also, I’m an only child for 10 days as my brother just left for UVic again, and my sister just headed out to Lloydminster, Alberta yesterday afternoon. Booya. I got a whole lot of sweet new books for my birthday. I got an Allan Ginsberg collection which is mega cool,as well as some hxc philosophy books like Beyond Good and Evil and Madness and Civilization. I am on a quest to return my brain to as functional a state as it was before entering university. I read Notes from Underground yesterday and I loved it. The bro in it is the sort of despicable character you aren’t supposed to relate to, but I found I did an awful lot. I loved it, he was so honest and wholeheartedly spiteful at the world. Crime and Punishment was just as pimp, although kinda drawn out and overly verbose. Also, I have decided that in the future I would like to either devote myself wholeheartedly to writing, regardless of my recent inability to write anything worthwhile, to travel the world in a sailboat… maybe, or be a farmer… or I would also like to own a grocery store. This may be solely because I was a manager in a grocery store I loved where I hated the owners. In conclusion: I have decided nothing about my future but to be happy.

Rant

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 01:26:00 -0700

I just realized the primary item I confide in is my facebook status. I don’t think this is healthy. I decided not to be friends with Tony or Josh any more, as of this evening. The only thing I do is play tennis with Tony, so this will probably mean no exercise. They are horribly inconsiderate and don’t give a shit about anyone, and I feel continuing to be friends with them is saying I approve of their behaviour and that it in effect demeans my own morals. Also, they’ve done some really shitty things to me in the past which I attempted to forgive in a virtuous fashion, but am becoming increasingly convinced is naivety. I spend too much time defining what I think is right to allow what I see as wrong manifest itself unchecked in front of me constantly. I am miserable. These were my only two real friends at home now who I talk to. Also, I seem to be excluded from social events because my ex-girlfriend hates me. I don’t really blame her.

The world is going to run out of gas and water and is already past its current carrying capacity for food production. Humans should not exist in such mass numbers. Rousseau said agriculture and the construction of societies will leave us fucked eventually, as they are completely unnatural, and there is no hope for redemption. The problem that has brought us here is the preservation of “human” life, violating natural predation and especially survival of the fittest, through technology and the adaptations of societies. In any case, our fuel-based economy is going to be fucked shortly, i read earlier that economists expect much of the U.S. to become isolated communities concentrating on their own subsistence. This will probably occur after they cross the border to seize our water.

The real question is: do I bother to make my life more green, given I will die quite shortly and will make enough money to avoid most of the turmoil, and embrace the societal decay when they come? I can only hope this occurs within my lifespan. After this point, it will lose all relevance, I suppose. I’d love to farm my own food and trade with locals. The internet has separated our new generation from all concepts of responsibility, and even reality, by creating multitudes of possibilities for self-deception, fake progress, and artificial relationships. I’m not saying we have any responsibilities to anyone but ourselves, just that no one would be aware if they did because we’re too busy acquiring carpel tunnel and proving e-dominance. By the way, quitting computer games has in no means made me happier, and social environments only prove to remind me how much I dislike the world and its contents.

Writing about things I hate sometimes makes me feel better.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m considering quitting work and taking a one-way plane to anywhere distant. It will not happen, of course. Victories over misery are so fleeting and inconsequential, I don’t even know what to do. These romantic fancies keep me sane, I suppose. The life responsibilities will only pile on from here.

Oh boy!

I am 20 years old.

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 19:15:19 -0700

I am 20 years old.

It is 4:22 AM and my eyes sting.

Sun, 04 May 2008 04:16:00 -0700

I’ve been pretty unhappy back to home for a while now. I still stay up until 4-5am every night for no reason and now see people a whole lot less. I thought about taking a plane and going somewhere random and adventurous. It turns out this is not happening, because I told my dad I would work for him all summer. Commitments will continue to haunt me the rest of my life unless I somehow free myself from society. I am quite sure about this. Maybe I will buy that boat and adventure yet. Perhaps, I will simply hide in my head. However, creeping old facebook albums is slowly reassuring me that there is escape. Once this summer is over, I’ll be seeing my friends and Kirbee a lot more,and I’ll be MOVED OUT.

People always try and characterize places, usually a fail except for Surrey, but I feel it would not be a great injustice to label Abbotsford as an emerging level in Hell. It’s not even that it’s that bad of a place, this view is entirely personal and I’m quite aware of it. However, I’m sure it’s easier to move away from a town I dislike than to re-evaluate all the memories and experiences that made it suck. I’ve been trying to write a bit recently, but I feel so bland and unimaginative. I want to do something worthwhile before I’m gone, to prove to myself or someone else that perhaps life isn’t entirely futile. However, it’s science that creates the real successes that help people without the subjectivity and in a material sense, if I want to change something, that seems like the only way. If achievements create life-affirmation/enjoyment/world history, I worry that I will never be alive in any personal or temporal sense. Furthermore, I worry what achievements are and how very transient they are as they only seem valid in public opinion. This is unless I would be performing achievements in a system of personal success evaluations removed from society which I currently seem incapable of as nothing interests me. But then, what makes an action successful, or time well spent?

I want a new brain. Mine goes in stupid little loops and gets lost.

Fresh start, etc.

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 19:29:12 -0700

I just got home from UBC. It is quite sad because I lost pretty much all of my friends in Abbotsford and am now losing my friends at UBC! Regardless, this means I’m moving out in 4 months and I’ve got some time for myself or something. My brother is visiting from Victoria and we’re getting along great which is new. Anyways, I’ll miss you guys! It’s been a great year and I’ve changed a lot and feel really good about this year. I’m starting to feel good about the future, too, which is nice.

Epic fail?

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 01:50:00 -0700

Shitty Things:

I’m pretty damned sure I have a cancerous growth on my arm.

I have avoided learning all year and have my exams to pay.

I am scared I’ve either had a stroke or oncoming schizophrenia as my

body

has delocalized sensory reception and I can’t feel pain really, either.

All the education I’m trying to cram is turning out to be things I

actually would have liked to have learned, had I bothered to inspect them.

I sold my dekstop to my brother so I have to delete about 3 years

worth of illicit downloaded material (jk)

I tried making youtube videos today and my voice sounds like a

strangledwoman and I’m not very good at guitar.

Trying to do both= big no.

Leaving my friends at UBC is gonna be le suck.

Non-Shitty Things:

On a positive note, I am excited to quit drinking and smoking all

summer and hopefully regain my old intellect and possibly even some

friends.

Gonna make some sweet dough working for my dad and then gtfo of

Abbotsford fer good after summer, I’m moving to Vancouver! Scary/exciting.

Things WoW Does to Me

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 15:46:49 -0700

Makes me inconsiderate

Tunnel vision in terms of goals and enjoying life

Makes me antisocial

Perpetuates depressive mental schemas

I don’t deal with problems and let them fester

I don’t do other things I like to do

I waste massive amounts of time

I don’t sleep properly

I become an ass hole.

I’m not sure if abandoning my boat plan, or at least some travel plan, was such a good idea.

I think I do need to get out of my routines and makes something interesting of myself before I die. I also need to be more respectful and considerate towards people I care about. I don’t deserve my friends.

I have trained myself to remember my dreams, for the most part.

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 14:15:00 -0700

The reason I mention this Is my dreams are involving an increasing fucked up factor. I took a nap before biology and had about a full night’s worth of dreams in about 5 fragments of 10 minute sleep, all consistent in content, before my bio class. It was the worst sleep of my life. The reason I mention this is it was insane, I had to save campus from a girl, who i learned was bad news in a science lecture, while being under attack my people from my childhood in the form of children, it was pouring rain. I kept having seizures as well, falling asleep while walking, and it was very upsetting. They were throwing toys and shit at me and telling me to go home, I think. I kept going back to my brother’s room to sleep, before waking up in my real room, and returning a moment later to find out something had changed, like in Silent Hill with the hole in the wall and you keep coming back to find more blood on the walls and crazy shit has gone down. This was in dorms, my brother does not go to ubc. I became so disoriented that I woke up dizzy as fuck and put my raincoat on with no clothes on and started walking to the door, before collapsing as a drooling mess. Also, the previous night, my family’s house was on the back of a truck and we were taking it to the island when I went down into the basement because these two animorph murderer douchebags, I think Rick Kanter and Derek Rempel who are ass holes from my high school, and tipped the house off the truck. This left us in the water by the ferry, upside down. I came back up to discover my family were holding canoe paddles and my dad said “looks like we’re not taking the ferry, son.” After this, I was I think at Thetis Island, where I’ve never been because I got sick in grade 7 and couldn’t go on the trip, the buildings were strangely japanese. I was an animorph and trying to save my classmates from those two other animorphing ass holes without arousing suspicion.

Barrens Chat.

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 02:16:00 -0700

I trust nobody has played World of Warcraft but me, thus, I will explain. This is a region of Azeroth which contains animals and an arid climate similar to that of some African regions, some animals even resemble giraffes and elephants. What this place is most notable for; however, is the n00b population. The general chat is composed entirely of pre-pubescent douchebags on EVERY server. To initiate discussion the only thing any player must do is mention Chuck Norris and the chat will instantly be spammed by as many jokes as possibly exist.

http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/World_of_Warcraft

The reason I mention this is I have a particular addiction to this game, and my grief in the form of withdrawal involves me fondly remembering late, late Barrens nights pwning fools and listening to Radiohead. Whenever I listen to Amnesiac and OK Computer I have intense flashbacks, especially to Ashenvale.

In conclusion, here are certain Chuck Norris jokes which have passed my humour test from previous experience:

1. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. There is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

2. Fact: Chuck Norris does not consider it sex if the woman survives.

3. Chuck Norris destroyed all evidence of the periodic table. This is because the only element Chuck understands is the element of surprise.

4. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

5.Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Coming soon: Best of dead baby jokes.

An Hour Later?

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 19:44:09 -0700

So, I’ve reconsidered abandoning my education for an epic journey of self-discovery. Perhaps once I’ve accrued some sweet wealth from post-lawschool work, the journey and departure will be feasible. At this moment, I have too many responsibilities to be able to abandon my life. This will have to be a later-life goal made possible by years of hard work and goal-setting. Fuck that. Fuck being an adult. (Adultery?) Seww gheysauce.

The Future

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 17:26:00 -0700

I had a lovely day after my two classes were over. I decided to get an iced capp and sit by the rose garden because it was so sunny. Perhaps as a result of the uv radiation and gleeful escape from winter, sitting viewing a sailboat, I came to the conclusion that with my life I would like to purchase a sailboat and voyage. When I was little, my mother put a book called “Kids for Sail” in my stocking, it is about two parents who sell their house and take their kids to see the world. I am not particularly satisfied with learning at a university, mostly because it does not interest me. If I am to abandon my studies and depart, there is something I must do first. For several years, perhaps my whole life, I will find as many diverse occupations as possible, give my very best at them, and see what I learn from the value of hard work. After all, the conclusion to Voltaire’s Candide is that the only salvation from the moral and philosophical issues of the day is the value of work. So, as all humans have found their niche in the workworld, I will attempt to perform them admirably and learn to extinguish my lazy habits. I am very worried about leaving my studies, as I know my parents have great hopes for me to continue, I intend to at some point;however, there is too much of the world I have yet to see to commit to a singular occupation or type of learning. Also, I can’t become involved in my studies in the first place as I have no motivation. The only thing I’m sure of is that I could find freedom sailing the ocean from people and things and perhaps learn something about myself. My main fear bout this goal is that it may be inspired by some depressional separation mechanism and possibly a part of my perpetual identity crisis, the consequences of action and inaction are so god-damned devastating I can’t even choose what I want to eat because I know it will affect my whole day. But I think, perhaps, the ocean is my call to freedom, maybe. I am going to pick up some mad nautical skills, and I think I will find plenty of time to write while I’m doing my thing out thurr. I am frightening myself with the possibility of drastic change, again.

I discovered this amazing Vancouver band today, it’s both...

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 13:18:00 -0700

I discovered this amazing Vancouver band today, it’s both spoken word poetry and killer tunes. Dooope.

“I’m looking for the dreamers who can scream so fucking loud.”

Victoria (again)

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 19:40:45 -0700

I got this strange feeling today that I was disentegrating into some sort of stream. It made me really worried because I’ve felt like that more and more, lately. Not so much that I’m falling apart, but that what I am and was is becoming more and more distant, and I’m entering some awful period of adult stagnation, my future ending in some suburbia and working a job I hate and tied down in every aspect I always swore I never wanted to be— just like my parents who somehow enjoy whatever they’re doing with themselves. I just want to be Jack Kerouac on an epic journey of adventure and writing, living for now. I read your personality becomes constant by the age of 25-30 ish. I don’t want to be an adult. I don’t want to be mature. I would rather perform a labotomy on myself. Fuck.

I think part of this is my short term memory, it may be improving, but I don’t enjoy feeling out of it, like I don’t know what’s going on. A greater part of it is I’m suddenly faced with all these foreign adult concepts that I always passed off as irrelevant and boring like getting a place for next year, planning my education, and whether or not having an educated future (becoming important, intellectual) is something I even care about.

My brother is having a party here and I have to leave apparently.. so that’s that.