I’ve been pretty unhappy back to home for a while now. I still stay up until 4-5am every night for no reason and now see people a whole lot less. I thought about taking a plane and going somewhere random and adventurous. It turns out this is not happening, because I told my dad I would work for him all summer. Commitments will continue to haunt me the rest of my life unless I somehow free myself from society. I am quite sure about this. Maybe I will buy that boat and adventure yet. Perhaps, I will simply hide in my head. However, creeping old facebook albums is slowly reassuring me that there is escape. Once this summer is over, I’ll be seeing my friends and Kirbee a lot more,and I’ll be MOVED OUT.
People always try and characterize places, usually a fail except for Surrey, but I feel it would not be a great injustice to label Abbotsford as an emerging level in Hell. It’s not even that it’s that bad of a place, this view is entirely personal and I’m quite aware of it. However, I’m sure it’s easier to move away from a town I dislike than to re-evaluate all the memories and experiences that made it suck. I’ve been trying to write a bit recently, but I feel so bland and unimaginative. I want to do something worthwhile before I’m gone, to prove to myself or someone else that perhaps life isn’t entirely futile. However, it’s science that creates the real successes that help people without the subjectivity and in a material sense, if I want to change something, that seems like the only way. If achievements create life-affirmation/enjoyment/world history, I worry that I will never be alive in any personal or temporal sense. Furthermore, I worry what achievements are and how very transient they are as they only seem valid in public opinion. This is unless I would be performing achievements in a system of personal success evaluations removed from society which I currently seem incapable of as nothing interests me. But then, what makes an action successful, or time well spent?
I want a new brain. Mine goes in stupid little loops and gets lost.
I just got home from UBC. It is quite sad because I lost pretty much all of my friends in Abbotsford and am now losing my friends at UBC! Regardless, this means I’m moving out in 4 months and I’ve got some time for myself or something. My brother is visiting from Victoria and we’re getting along great which is new. Anyways, I’ll miss you guys! It’s been a great year and I’ve changed a lot and feel really good about this year. I’m starting to feel good about the future, too, which is nice.
Shitty Things:
I’m pretty damned sure I have a cancerous growth on my arm.
I have avoided learning all year and have my exams to pay.
I am scared I’ve either had a stroke or oncoming schizophrenia as my
body
has delocalized sensory reception and I can’t feel pain really, either.
All the education I’m trying to cram is turning out to be things I
actually would have liked to have learned, had I bothered to inspect them.
I sold my dekstop to my brother so I have to delete about 3 years
worth of illicit downloaded material (jk)
I tried making youtube videos today and my voice sounds like a
strangledwoman and I’m not very good at guitar.
Trying to do both= big no.
Leaving my friends at UBC is gonna be le suck.
Non-Shitty Things:
On a positive note, I am excited to quit drinking and smoking all
summer and hopefully regain my old intellect and possibly even some
friends.
Gonna make some sweet dough working for my dad and then gtfo of
Abbotsford fer good after summer, I’m moving to Vancouver! Scary/exciting.
Makes me inconsiderate
Tunnel vision in terms of goals and enjoying life
Makes me antisocial
Perpetuates depressive mental schemas
I don’t deal with problems and let them fester
I don’t do other things I like to do
I waste massive amounts of time
I don’t sleep properly
I become an ass hole.
I’m not sure if abandoning my boat plan, or at least some travel plan, was such a good idea.
I think I do need to get out of my routines and makes something interesting of myself before I die. I also need to be more respectful and considerate towards people I care about. I don’t deserve my friends.
The reason I mention this Is my dreams are involving an increasing fucked up factor. I took a nap before biology and had about a full night’s worth of dreams in about 5 fragments of 10 minute sleep, all consistent in content, before my bio class. It was the worst sleep of my life. The reason I mention this is it was insane, I had to save campus from a girl, who i learned was bad news in a science lecture, while being under attack my people from my childhood in the form of children, it was pouring rain. I kept having seizures as well, falling asleep while walking, and it was very upsetting. They were throwing toys and shit at me and telling me to go home, I think. I kept going back to my brother’s room to sleep, before waking up in my real room, and returning a moment later to find out something had changed, like in Silent Hill with the hole in the wall and you keep coming back to find more blood on the walls and crazy shit has gone down. This was in dorms, my brother does not go to ubc. I became so disoriented that I woke up dizzy as fuck and put my raincoat on with no clothes on and started walking to the door, before collapsing as a drooling mess. Also, the previous night, my family’s house was on the back of a truck and we were taking it to the island when I went down into the basement because these two animorph murderer douchebags, I think Rick Kanter and Derek Rempel who are ass holes from my high school, and tipped the house off the truck. This left us in the water by the ferry, upside down. I came back up to discover my family were holding canoe paddles and my dad said “looks like we’re not taking the ferry, son.” After this, I was I think at Thetis Island, where I’ve never been because I got sick in grade 7 and couldn’t go on the trip, the buildings were strangely japanese. I was an animorph and trying to save my classmates from those two other animorphing ass holes without arousing suspicion.
I trust nobody has played World of Warcraft but me, thus, I will explain. This is a region of Azeroth which contains animals and an arid climate similar to that of some African regions, some animals even resemble giraffes and elephants. What this place is most notable for; however, is the n00b population. The general chat is composed entirely of pre-pubescent douchebags on EVERY server. To initiate discussion the only thing any player must do is mention Chuck Norris and the chat will instantly be spammed by as many jokes as possibly exist.
http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/World_of_Warcraft
The reason I mention this is I have a particular addiction to this game, and my grief in the form of withdrawal involves me fondly remembering late, late Barrens nights pwning fools and listening to Radiohead. Whenever I listen to Amnesiac and OK Computer I have intense flashbacks, especially to Ashenvale.
In conclusion, here are certain Chuck Norris jokes which have passed my humour test from previous experience:
1. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. There is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
2. Fact: Chuck Norris does not consider it sex if the woman survives.
3. Chuck Norris destroyed all evidence of the periodic table. This is because the only element Chuck understands is the element of surprise.
4. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
5.Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Coming soon: Best of dead baby jokes.
So, I’ve reconsidered abandoning my education for an epic journey of self-discovery. Perhaps once I’ve accrued some sweet wealth from post-lawschool work, the journey and departure will be feasible. At this moment, I have too many responsibilities to be able to abandon my life. This will have to be a later-life goal made possible by years of hard work and goal-setting. Fuck that. Fuck being an adult. (Adultery?) Seww gheysauce.
I had a lovely day after my two classes were over. I decided to get an iced capp and sit by the rose garden because it was so sunny. Perhaps as a result of the uv radiation and gleeful escape from winter, sitting viewing a sailboat, I came to the conclusion that with my life I would like to purchase a sailboat and voyage. When I was little, my mother put a book called “Kids for Sail” in my stocking, it is about two parents who sell their house and take their kids to see the world. I am not particularly satisfied with learning at a university, mostly because it does not interest me. If I am to abandon my studies and depart, there is something I must do first. For several years, perhaps my whole life, I will find as many diverse occupations as possible, give my very best at them, and see what I learn from the value of hard work. After all, the conclusion to Voltaire’s Candide is that the only salvation from the moral and philosophical issues of the day is the value of work. So, as all humans have found their niche in the workworld, I will attempt to perform them admirably and learn to extinguish my lazy habits. I am very worried about leaving my studies, as I know my parents have great hopes for me to continue, I intend to at some point;however, there is too much of the world I have yet to see to commit to a singular occupation or type of learning. Also, I can’t become involved in my studies in the first place as I have no motivation. The only thing I’m sure of is that I could find freedom sailing the ocean from people and things and perhaps learn something about myself. My main fear bout this goal is that it may be inspired by some depressional separation mechanism and possibly a part of my perpetual identity crisis, the consequences of action and inaction are so god-damned devastating I can’t even choose what I want to eat because I know it will affect my whole day. But I think, perhaps, the ocean is my call to freedom, maybe. I am going to pick up some mad nautical skills, and I think I will find plenty of time to write while I’m doing my thing out thurr. I am frightening myself with the possibility of drastic change, again.
I got this strange feeling today that I was disentegrating into some sort of stream. It made me really worried because I’ve felt like that more and more, lately. Not so much that I’m falling apart, but that what I am and was is becoming more and more distant, and I’m entering some awful period of adult stagnation, my future ending in some suburbia and working a job I hate and tied down in every aspect I always swore I never wanted to be— just like my parents who somehow enjoy whatever they’re doing with themselves. I just want to be Jack Kerouac on an epic journey of adventure and writing, living for now. I read your personality becomes constant by the age of 25-30 ish. I don’t want to be an adult. I don’t want to be mature. I would rather perform a labotomy on myself. Fuck.
I think part of this is my short term memory, it may be improving, but I don’t enjoy feeling out of it, like I don’t know what’s going on. A greater part of it is I’m suddenly faced with all these foreign adult concepts that I always passed off as irrelevant and boring like getting a place for next year, planning my education, and whether or not having an educated future (becoming important, intellectual) is something I even care about.
My brother is having a party here and I have to leave apparently.. so that’s that.
