Her heads is on her knees
in holy submission
her back blending with
the concrete skyline
a child’s drawings
create a silent refuge
the chalk is shattered
like monochrome confetti
My disciple
has been had by the needles
And perverts
But her body is a prayer
She is God’s charity,
I extend from her shoulders
Two white fluoride wings
Broader than a feathered heart
She is a white magnolia
Brooding and unfurling
In flight
She is oblivious but sacred
I hope that when
The Devil
Or the Love
come for her
she is a spitter.
Things are wrapping up for the year. My bank account is just about empty so I will be sating my inner alcoholic with schoolwork and BSG. My 5 grand I put in a GIC comes out on the 9th, though, so I will survive.
I have a lot due in the next two weeks, Phil 230 and 240 papers, my minimum 20-page creative writing program application, and my final Creative Writing 202 assignment.
I went to Emily Carr a few weeks back for a party and badly wished I’d gone there for some visual arts courses instead of UBC. This lead me to major questioning of why I was at UBC, etc. and I came to the conclusion I should leave school next year. Quite a few guys from Sigma Chi approached me to discuss it, though, and brought me to my senses.
I’m living the the house this summer for 285 a month which is quite decent, going to be working with Colin at UBC housing. It is going to be a gongshow. I am sharing a room with Colin as well, the house is full of great people. I didn’t take on an exec position in Sigma Chi this year, although I probably should have. I’m not sure how involved I will be next year and at the time, I was considering moving off-campus and working until I sorted out what I wanted to do. Anyways, I’ve resolved to make an awesome CRWR Application and to try to get in for next year.
I met a sick girl at Kevin and Vance’s shindig a few weeks ago and we’re going to hit up some poetry slams. I caught up with Anna as well that night, which was awesome.
This is going to be a wonderful summer.
I have an infection in both of my eyes. My right one hurts to looks around and is really gross. I suppose this teaches me for rubbing my eyes incessantly. It hurts quite a bit and I can’t really see.
It has been nice being home. My family are great to be around, I’ve finally regained the perspective I lost having lived with them for so long. Before I left, it got to the point where I was so depressed and anxious I was treating them horribly but didn’t care. I am glad I have sorted those problems out, my family is more important than anything else to me.
The night I got here, I went on a hunt with my sister and her friends for abandoned/haunted houses; it was really neat and also creepy. We ended up stargazing on top of a 3-story stack of marshmallow bales. I liked that.
The next night I ended up at a ridiculous starcraft tournament at Kevin’s. Everyone was both stupid drunk and hitting the vaporizer, which I’m sure improved our skills. Speaking of computer games, Colin’s trying to get me back into WoW, but I’m holding my ground for the moment.
Since being home, I have avoided the ex who wanted to get back together with me, that situation got very strange very quickly. On a different note, I’m friends with Kim again, which makes me glad. We had coffee and went for a walk and talked for a few hours, I really enjoyed it. When I first saw her in the coffee shop, I was scared but didn’t show it. I had bad dreams for a year and a half because I left things the way I did when I left for UBC, just like I did with my family. I think that guilt will be with me for a long time. I was a walking catastrophe when it comes to dealing with emotions. I can express nice ones, but I hide and fester negative emotions whenever I sense expressing them will cause problems. I’m working on it. I’m much better at asserting myself than I was a few months ago. Spending time with friends has taught me a lot in that regard.
Cam just came over and we discussed plans for a Europe trip at the end of the summer. I have always wanted to have a picnic next to the Seine at night, Paris is all gorgeous lights. When I was there last time and saw the glow on the water it all felt strangely familiar. I’d like to live there eventually. I also fell in love with the Metro on my previous trip. We’re also talking about going to Bruges and London and we are stoked on Italy… ideas are all over the place but there is a lot of keen intent. Cam plans to go regardless of travel companions.
A few days before break, I found an expensive suitcase locked to a tree in the woods above Wreck. Naturally, I was curious and went with a bunch of friends and a pair of bolt-cutters late at night. We were also quite high. It was gone, unfortunately. They figured it was a student hiding drugs and wanted to take them, I just enjoyed the mystery. If it actually was drugs it could have been a bad situation, so I’m rather glad it was gone.
This weekend, I was supposed to go to Victoria with my sister and her boyfriend Mitch, but my dad gave me file work to do and I have a 1800 word essay that I haven’t started and am rather concerned about. I feel bad though, I think my brother believes I don’t want to see him. I miss him.
I am thinking of writing children’s books in the future. That was Kim’s suggestion. I never wanted to grow up in the first place.
Also, I may be going on a week-long character and leadership-building trip. It is in Snowbird Utah and called Horizons. I really hope it works out, a lot of other people applied… Once I master my confidence problems I’ve had since high school, I think my lack of motivation and direction will finally be at an end.
OH MY GOD MY EYE IS AHSDAKHFALKSHF:LKAHS:LKFN:LKANSF
Buchanan —> SUB—> Oriental Gardens—> Spanish Banks? —> Marine Drive —> Bottom of Wreck—> Vanier—> Bottom of Wreck—> Wilderness coast trek to the pirate ship—> Anthropology Museum—> Marine Drive —> Laser Beams communicating with another planet —>Botanical Gardens—>Exploring new housing development at the far end of wesbrook mall and meditating on pond stones—> Sigma Chi—> Bike to McDonald’s and paranoid foodless escape—> Top of strange parking garage—> Downhill adventure —>Sigma Chi—> Marine Drive—> Howl—> Sleep and/or Death.
In short, pot cookies from mysterious 40-year old beach women lead to interesting nights.
It occurred to me today how much of my unhappiness is self-inflicted, illusory, and self-constructed. Since I was little, I’ve lived with a mentality of both other-dependency and general problem evasion. I have been skewing my perceptions of others and especially of my own behaviour for a long, long time. It is sad to think that my worst enemy has been myself. However, if there’s one relationship that can be salvaged, I suppose this is it. Suddenly, I didn’t feel miserable at all.
I’m in Sigma Chi as of last Saturday, having finished a full week of implied silence, personal reflection, and character-building activities. It was probably the best thing I’ve done ever.
It was absurdly difficult in a way you can’t imagine. But as a product of the week, I’ve reached a new level of inner contentment, motivation, and confidence.
I’m also applying for the creative writing program, and totally eager to improve my skillz. I’ve wanted to write since I was in elementary school.
Life is good =)
the lady has me temporarily off the bottle
and now the pecker stands up
better.
however, things change overnight—
instead of listening to Shostakovich and
Mozart through a smeared haze of smoke
the nights change, new
complexities:
we drive to Baskin-Robbins,
31 flavors:
Rocky Road, Bubble Gum, Apricot Ice, Strawberry
Cheesecake, Chocolate Mint…
we park outside and look at icecream
people
a very healthy and satisfied people,
nary a potential suicide in sight
(they probably even vote)
and I tell her
“what if the boys saw me go in there? suppose they
find out I’m going in for a walnut peach sundae?”
“come on, chicken,” she laughs and we go in
and stand with the icecream people.
none of them are cursing or threatening
the clerks.
there seem to be no hangovers or
grievances.
I am alarmed at the placid and calm wave
that flows about. I feel like a leper in a
beauty contest. we finally get our sundaes and
sit in the car and eat them.
I must admit they are quite good. a curious new
world. (all my friends tell me I am looking
better. “you’re looking good, man, we thought you
were going to die there for a while…”)
—those 4,500 dark nights, the jails, the
hospitals…
and later that night
there is use for the pecker, use for
love, and it is glorious,
long and true,
and afterwards we speak of easy things;
our heads by the open window with the moonlight
looking through, we sleep in each other’s
arms.
the icecream people make me feel good,
inside and out.
My last entry was major depresso, so I thought I’d change it up with a fairly optimistic entry. I get to see my girlfriend today! Also, I’m getting my living situation for school worked out, hopefully living in a house with 5 of my best friends which would be killer. Also, it’s sunny. Also, I’m an only child for 10 days as my brother just left for UVic again, and my sister just headed out to Lloydminster, Alberta yesterday afternoon. Booya. I got a whole lot of sweet new books for my birthday. I got an Allan Ginsberg collection which is mega cool,as well as some hxc philosophy books like Beyond Good and Evil and Madness and Civilization. I am on a quest to return my brain to as functional a state as it was before entering university. I read Notes from Underground yesterday and I loved it. The bro in it is the sort of despicable character you aren’t supposed to relate to, but I found I did an awful lot. I loved it, he was so honest and wholeheartedly spiteful at the world. Crime and Punishment was just as pimp, although kinda drawn out and overly verbose. Also, I have decided that in the future I would like to either devote myself wholeheartedly to writing, regardless of my recent inability to write anything worthwhile, to travel the world in a sailboat… maybe, or be a farmer… or I would also like to own a grocery store. This may be solely because I was a manager in a grocery store I loved where I hated the owners. In conclusion: I have decided nothing about my future but to be happy.
I just realized the primary item I confide in is my facebook status. I don’t think this is healthy. I decided not to be friends with Tony or Josh any more, as of this evening. The only thing I do is play tennis with Tony, so this will probably mean no exercise. They are horribly inconsiderate and don’t give a shit about anyone, and I feel continuing to be friends with them is saying I approve of their behaviour and that it in effect demeans my own morals. Also, they’ve done some really shitty things to me in the past which I attempted to forgive in a virtuous fashion, but am becoming increasingly convinced is naivety. I spend too much time defining what I think is right to allow what I see as wrong manifest itself unchecked in front of me constantly. I am miserable. These were my only two real friends at home now who I talk to. Also, I seem to be excluded from social events because my ex-girlfriend hates me. I don’t really blame her.
The world is going to run out of gas and water and is already past its current carrying capacity for food production. Humans should not exist in such mass numbers. Rousseau said agriculture and the construction of societies will leave us fucked eventually, as they are completely unnatural, and there is no hope for redemption. The problem that has brought us here is the preservation of “human” life, violating natural predation and especially survival of the fittest, through technology and the adaptations of societies. In any case, our fuel-based economy is going to be fucked shortly, i read earlier that economists expect much of the U.S. to become isolated communities concentrating on their own subsistence. This will probably occur after they cross the border to seize our water.
The real question is: do I bother to make my life more green, given I will die quite shortly and will make enough money to avoid most of the turmoil, and embrace the societal decay when they come? I can only hope this occurs within my lifespan. After this point, it will lose all relevance, I suppose. I’d love to farm my own food and trade with locals. The internet has separated our new generation from all concepts of responsibility, and even reality, by creating multitudes of possibilities for self-deception, fake progress, and artificial relationships. I’m not saying we have any responsibilities to anyone but ourselves, just that no one would be aware if they did because we’re too busy acquiring carpel tunnel and proving e-dominance. By the way, quitting computer games has in no means made me happier, and social environments only prove to remind me how much I dislike the world and its contents.
Writing about things I hate sometimes makes me feel better.
I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m considering quitting work and taking a one-way plane to anywhere distant. It will not happen, of course. Victories over misery are so fleeting and inconsequential, I don’t even know what to do. These romantic fancies keep me sane, I suppose. The life responsibilities will only pile on from here.
Oh boy!
